When people hear the word ‘addiction’, images of needles, betting slips, rolled up €50 notes or bottles of whiskey pop into their heads. They never think of the pack of biscuits a day people, those afflicted with an insatiable appetite for all things biscuit. I am one of those people. Granted, my addiction may not have consequences as serious as the aforementioned but it can lead to such problems as ‘biscuit-belly’, late-night trips to the local Centra or heated exchanges on whose turn it is to buy the next pack.
I have come to terms with the impossibility of defeating this addiction and so have decided to do something positive with it. In Fact, Ah will now have a regular (notice how I didn’t commit to weekly) feature which will delve into the cut-throat biscuit market to bring you the best and worst on offer. This is intended to arm you with the necessary information in order for you to be able to make educated decisions when making your biscuit purchase.
This week: Fig Rolls.

Never mind the tiresome “How do they get the figs into the Fig Rolls rubbish”, any pastry chef worth their salt could solve that mystery. Fig Rolls are a simple biscuit that rely heavily on their excellent chewability and value for money. With quantities ranging from 12 to the mammoth 18 pack with the 33% extra free (24 in total) you’re not forced into bulk-buying and risking an overdose. However, only fools and the uninitiated go for the 12 packs which are usually found in convenience stores in the likes of Leenane beside the fishing tackle.
Fig Rolls will dunk into tea or coffee with relative ease due to their slender construction and will retain their shape with little or nothing lost to the cup upon withdrawal. One of life’s most pleasurable experiences is half a fig roll soaked in good quality espresso then subsequently sucked clean to expose the fig centre. On the down side, Fig Rolls are notoriously inconsistent in terms of quality. Quite often you will get a pack with jaw-breaking fig centres. Other times the biscuits are slightly burnt or not baked enough. This inconsistency tends to cause trepidation in the buyer who is fully aware that if they hit the jackpot and score a good pack, life will seem worth living. A bad batch can ruin one’s day and some biscuit lovers just aren’t willing to take that chance.
Ethics are not often taken into account when purchasing biscuits and I would like to address this in this feature. Fig Rolls are made by Jacob’s Fruitfield which is owned by the chest head-butting, mega corporation Danone. Employing almost 80,000 people worldwide and with a revenue of $14 billion the Danone Corporation (that’s weird, the Microsoft Word’s auto-correct function just capitalised corporation) are market leaders in food products.
Their Actimel drink seems to be more vital to survival now than water as anyone who has witnessed the bombardment of adverts will attest (apparently, after drinking it you develop an impenetrable shield around you that prevents nasty things getting in). However, they have been criticised for
dubiously claiming that Actimel will make you feel better after two weeks. The basis for this claim? During a promotional campaign Danone offered to refund anyone who did not feel better after two weeks of drinking the slime. 45% of purchasers applied for the refund, which allowed Danone to claim that 55% of people felt better. It would be nice to know where the figs come from as well but that’s as big a mystery as how they get them in there.
Value for Money: 8.5/10
Dunkability: 8/10
Consistency: 4
If it were a car it would be a: Seat Arosa
Overall Verdict: 6.5/10
A solid, no-nonsense biscuit with a unique fruit centre. Dunks like Vince Carter but has the consistency of Sven Goran Eriksson’s team selection.
Next Week: Fox’s Classics (biscuit, not bar form).
tags:
[The Biscuit Tin]
Published by El Commandant P.