In Fact, Ah stop hovering

Friday, October 28, 2005 

Why Ireland needs to continue the International series against Australia

Ireland have been comprehensively beaten by Australia on an aggregate score of 163-106 and nobody could argue that the better team won. There are some calling for the series to be abandoned. Some say that it's a mismatch, amateurs against professionals. Others say that the GAA have degraded our national sport and have made it look poor in full view of the southern hemisphere. The fact of the matter is that GAA football was not played today, so how could playing this series degrade a sport that wasn't on show?

Shortcomings are never an excuse to throw in the towel. The reason that Australia scored more was because of their dramatic improvement when it comes to kicking the bar over the bar. Sounds over simplistic, doesn't it? The next time the Faroe Islands plays Brazil, they could get hockeyed 10-0. Will they abandon the effort completely because their players all have full-time jobs?

The Aussies had lost the two previous series which provoked yet more calls for the GAA to ditch the contest. They were accused of not taking it seriously. Now that it seems they have taken it seriously the same ridiculous demands are being made for its demise.

It's tiresome to hear these complaints. If these nay-sayers had their way, the All-Ireland series would have been abandoned this year because of the abjectly poor contest last year between Kerry and Mayo.

How's about any future Irish team learns how to evade the tackle, release the ball quickly and kick the ball instead of running into dark alleys with all this handpassing? Tyrone get away with this because they don't have to face the wrap-around tackle in Gaelic football. Another novel idea would be not to select players who are 5 ft nothing and can be swatted away by a big Aboriginal** arm. Ross Munnelly and Gooch are class acts at home but it isn't travel sickness that turns them into poor compromise players.

In my view, here was a fantastic opportunity to play to our strengths and glamourise the skills of our players. Here was the chance to take on brutes and beat them with guile and craft. We did it in the past against men of equally-gigantic stature. Everyone loves the story where David slayed Goliath. Next time they come over here, we just need to select the right sling and the right stone.

PS - used the word "aboriginal" because I'm a racist apparently. Word was used for polemical purposes but some people failed to see the motive for using it.


Published by Colm.  

Thursday, October 27, 2005 

Sindo Binned

At the time of writing the original post regarding Liam Lawlor's death, I wasn't aware of the rumours that he had been travelling in the red-light district of Moscow with a prostitute in the back seat. In Fact, Ah doesn't have any underground contacts in Russia, no smoking journalist with a hard jaw who could have given us the scoop.

But apparently, the Sunday Independent did. It looked too good to pass up. It sounded like something from a Le Carré novel; a disgraced Irish politician killed in a seedy Moscow neighbourhood with a hooker in the back seat of his hired car. Or had the local Russian Mafia planned for Lawlor to get whacked for encroaching on their patch? We now know that none of this was true. The Sunday Independent knew that they were taking a risk. After all, the rumours were based on a Moscow police officers hunch.

The screaming headline last Sunday was just what their peers in the Irish press had been waiting for. It was a chance for them to round on the best-selling Sunday broadsheet. Deep down we all know that the serious journos loathe the paper for its perceived poor quality of writing. "It's like a broadsheet version of VIP magazine" as a friend of mine recently put it.
All the radio programmes got in on the act too. The boos and aahs were incessant. Everyone felt sorry for the poor Lawlor family who had to face that headline on Sunday morning. The Sindo had let the profession down.

What next? Will the woman in the back of the car seek damages? What should we expect from Michael McDowell next week in terms of introducing a press complaints body? One thing is for certain - the Sunday Independent will think twice before running headlines that have the potential to alienate their readers.


Published by Colm.  

 

In Fact, Ah speaks to Damien Moran of the Catholic Worker Movement

Photo courtesy of Pitstop Ploughshares

Damien Moran is one of the five anti-war protesters accused of criminally damaging a US navy aircraft. The trial started this week in the Dublin Circuit Criminal Court.

For a young man, Damien Moran has experienced more than most do in a lifetime. When I meet him in a café in Dublin, I find it difficult to absorb the flowing description of his life to-date. The density of his language, the serene and ecclestiastical tone of his voice and his overall demeanour is awesome. So far, Damien has worked with HIV sufferers in Haiti, entered the Holy Ghost seminary, been charged with disarming an American fighter jet in Shannon and, as a consequence, spent five and a half weeks in Limerick Prison.

The principal reason for talking to him was to find out more about his role as one of the prominent members of the anti-war movement in Ireland. What I got was so much more. To start the story, having graduated from UCG in 2000 with a degree in English and Geography, Damien decided to hook up with a former secondary school principal in Port au Prince. While there, he witnessed extreme poverty, something that he had been shielded from by his relativelyprivilegedd upbringing in Offaly.

Following this three month stint, he returned to Ireland. At this juncture of his life, there were conflicts that needed to be resolved. He tells me the story of a friend calling to his house and inquiring as to his whereabouts. His housemate answered the question by saying: "He's either in two places, in the cathedral praying or in the pub drinking".

His decision to join the Holy Ghost seminary was borne out of the Haitian experience and woke him up from his slumber. However, it seems Catholic vocations run in the family. His aunt is a nun who spent time in war-torn Rwanda and his uncle is a Benedictine monk. As expressed by his demeanour in this interview, he claims not to have "an evangelical zeal to convert the heathens of our world". He humbly tells me that his wish is "to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked and to give shelter to the homeless".

At the beginning of 2003, Damien became unsettled by the impending war in Iraq. He, along with four other members of the Catholic Worker Movement, went to Shannon and is alleged to have disarmed an American fighter jet that was stopping over. As a result, Limerick Prison became his home for almost six weeks. He movingly tells me about setting up a prayer group with a man convicted of manslaughter, a heroin addict and a paedophile. All the while, he drew inspiration from watching 150,000 people around Ireland marching in opposition to the war on a TV screen in his cell. Outlining his dietary provisions, Damien is at pains to add that the Aldi bread wasn't up to scratch.

Following the mistrial last May, Damien has been spiritually preparing for life behind bars if the ongoing retrial doesn't go his way. His mother will cry but she understands that her son fully believes in what he is doing. He finishes our chat by making references to Ghandi and lists non-violent resistances that have succeeded around the world. Damien is praying that Ireland can be added to that list.


Published by Colm.  

Monday, October 24, 2005 

NGOs getting a raw deal

NGOs (horribly non-descript appellation) provide much-needed relief in times of natural and humanitarian disasters in lieu of non-existent government help. Even Richard Delevan of the Sunday Tribune cannot dispute this fact. In yesterday's article however, Delevan urges NGOs to "rein in your self-righteousness". It could be argued that those who seek to help the vulnerable have the bragging rights at the lofty heights of the aid relief moral ground.

His gripe is with Oxfam's statement which reads:"Humanitarian assistance still does not cover all needs, often arrives too late, and is too often determined by media profile of political criteria than humanitarian need." Delevan interprets this statement to mean that "your irrational sympathy is killing people, through the reckless arrogance of your elected officials who seek to do what you demand." 2+2=5 perhaps or just plain 'ole tongue in cheek?

"Now they complain that sympathy, like the weather or tectonic plates, is not fairly distributed." And who could argue this? The recent earthquake in Pakistan is a fine example of where sympathy was is short supply. 35,000 deaths in the Kashmir region didn't seem to have the impact on sympathisers in the First World that the Asian tsunami had. The Ethiopian famine of 1986 only received considerable attention when Bob Geldof saw a news report by Michael Buerk. Who remembers Bam or even the recent Hurricane Stan?

Whether NGOs efficiently appropriate aid when and where it's needed can indeed be questioned. But In Fact, Ah disagrees with Delevan's assertion that NGOs helping those affected in times of disaster do so in order to garner kudos. This bitch-slapping serves no purpose. Sure, there are instances of where they fail to meet the needs of those in desperate need of aid. And being coerced into funding their activities by chuggers on the street will never curry favour with the public.

What really matters is that NGOs try to make a difference. It must be hugely frustrating for those volunteers on the ground who see first-hand the pain and loss suffered by the locals. The NGOs are there to help but find that their hands are tied by lack of resources. The media outlets play God and decide which disasters are newsworthy and which are not. Meanwhile the person trapped under rubble or the baby with the swollen stomach are wondering if the Western media will ever make up their mind.

It's not the NGOs who need to reign in their self-righteousness; it's the gatekeepers of the news who should quit playing God.


Published by Colm.  

Saturday, October 22, 2005 

Why An Post faces doom

According to leaked internal figures last week, only 50% of mail that arrives at mail centres in Dublin leaves that day. This makes a mockery of An Post's targets of 94% next-day delivery.

My acecdotal experiences support these leaked figures - only 1 in every 2 of my letters/postal items reaches my home the day after it was delivered. Proof of this can be found with my online DVD rental account at dvdrentals.ie. I know exactly when my DVD is dispatched (usually around lunchtime). I know exactly when I receive it. The anticipation for my latest rental "Downfall" was something else. It was sent at lunchtime on Thursday somewhere in Dublin. So I'd definitely have it for the weekend, right? Wrong. Instead I'll hopefully receive it on Monday.

Back to the matter at hand.

The market is due to be opened up in 4 years time. How fit will An Post be to compete in this new open market? At the moment, it'll be like an overweight Junior B footballer - too lazy to run and too envious of the entreprising 15 year old who's marking him. Eventually, he retires.

State-run monopolies have their comfort zones. Jobs for everyone and the taxpayers' money can always be counted on when profits are non-existant. However, with our high-flying, high-cost economy, competition is king.

An aside - post your Christmas mail now. This latest strike will mean chaos for all those boxes of Barry's Tea that you intend to send to Americay.


Published by Colm.  

 

Liam Lawlor killed in Moscow car crash


Liam Lawlor was pronounced dead in Moscow today after the car in which he was travelling ploughed into a lamppost.

As one of the most controversial Irish politicians of the last decade, Lawlor was never afraid to say
how he felt. He was also not afraid to keep quiet and suffer the consequences. His unwillingness to co-operate with the planning tribunal earned him some time in Mountjoy Prison.

However, there's an imaginary time period in which respect for the dead is honoured and negative talk is kept to a minimum. In Fact, Ah acknowledges this. More later.


Published by Colm.  

Friday, October 21, 2005 

The Real Capital of Culture

As El Commandant P and his rebel army continue to make a mess of their chance to show us all they are not just a bunch of Collins-loving, hurley-swinging muck savages, the cultured folk up here in Dublin are putting on a host of events in the coming weeks with limited fuss and pomp.

For film fans, the global event Resfest is coming to the IFI and Film Base in Temple Bar this weekend. "RESFEST is one of the biggest international global events of it's kind. This film festival takes place in over thirty cities in six countries. This is an eclectic film festival focusing on innovative elements of film, music, art, design, fashion and technology.!". There are a host of films and DJ events on in both venues starting tonight so get down there and enjoy.

Then the following week the fourth annual Dublin Electronic Arts Festival kicks off on Thursday. This is a very successful arts festival, showcasing many Irish and International artists. There are numerous performances in a host of venues around the city including: The Village; The Globe; Traffic and Film Base - many of which are free. For more details see http://www.deafireland.com/

So for any rebels who want to sample some 'real' culture head for Dublin this week, a return ticket on the train form Cork is only €56....so get on board and get yourselves some culture.

**Edited for my illiterate friend.
CB


Published by Colm.  

 

I heard Arcade Fire before you



Fantastic alternative guide to Electric Picnic from the guys at Eyebrowy.com.
Damien Duff gives a great interview from the festival too.


Published by Colm.  

Thursday, October 20, 2005 

Rules of Modern Life


Some of modern life's great truisms.

1. The lower the income the greater the number of Sky TV channels subscribed to.
2. People in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.
3. Scratch cards are so called because their primary users have scabies.
4. Two heads aren't necessarily better than one. Have you ever seen a conjoined twin smiling?
5. WKD adverts - it doesnt matter how many cunty tricks you play on your mates, at the end of the day you're a man sat in a pub drinking a girl's drink that is BRIGHT BLUE, put it down and go and get a pint.

More here.


Published by Colm.  

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 

Hussein on trial in iRAQ


Courtesy of AP Photos


No, it's not the latest handheld to come from the US. It's actually a country way out east.

He faces a judicial system created by its invaders, judges who happen to be Kurdish, guilt which can be established if the judges feel satisfied with the evidence and possible punishment that could be compared to that of Texas - the death penalty.

That he is responsible for the most unforgivable crimes is not at question. What is at question is why he has not been sent to The Hague to face an international court of justice.


Published by Colm.  

 

Negative-Slice

Good morning,

Those of you who know me will be aware of my interest in photography. Anyway, after a few attempts I have finally managed to get a web site together and you can see a few of my favourite shots at this address www.negative-slice.com. I will endeavour to keep it updated and if anyone else is interested in photography and has their own site please post the URL in the comments.


Published by Colm.  

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 

In Fact Ah, Judge

I learned something new today. When you are summonsed to appear in court in Ireland you address the magistrate as 'Judge' rather than 'Your Honour'.

Lucky for me then that I found this out before my appearance in the district court this morning. I could have looked most unsophisticated otherwise.

Anyways, I managed to get myself summonsed to the district court by The State Solicitor on behalf of An Post who wanted to prosecute me for having no TV licence. I answered the door to an An Post TV Licence Inspector last November, shortly after moving into a new house. Days later one of my housemates purchased the TV Licence in his name. Whoever designed their TV Licencing Database (was it those guys who did PPARS I wonder?) must have overlooked a facility to search by address.

I'd never been in court before, it was an interesting distraction for the hour that I was there. Judging must be a great racket to be in these days, the Judge had so many customers! Some of them were wearing really over the top heavy, silver jewellery and others had even managed to get their heavy silver jewellery entagled around the wrists of the nice Gardai who were accompanying them on their visit to the Judge.

For my troubles I got to say 'Not Guilty' which is great (feels like being in the movies) and watch the poor man from An Post withdraw his action against me while sworn in on the witness stand. Then the judge waved his hand in my direction and said "Struck Out" so I thought I'd better leave him to get on with his numerous other customers for the day.


Published by Colm.  

 

Plans for Mass Grave in Ireland

A press release from the government today has confirmed that Ireland is indeed prepared for any bird flu pandemic and the effects it could have on the general populous. Plans are afoot for a mass grave to be built in the Midlands that could accommodate up to 40,000 cadavers.

Mary Harney has stated that this action would remove the potential threat of further A&E overcrowding. She also emphasised that the Dept. of Health would work alongside the Organ Retention Programme to ensure maximum retrieval of healthy organs. She was also quoted as saying: "This venture will need the go ahead from the Ethics Committee at the Mater Hospital". However, she was confident that they would approve this project in the coming days.

It is understood that prices for spaces in the grave would range from €200,000 to €300,000. Non-nationals, old people in nursing homes, lesbians and those on social housing schemes will not be guaranteed a place however. It is envisaged that any overspill will be transported to the Botanic Gardens in Dublin where soil nutrient levels have recently waned.

Lawyers, developers, Gardaí stationed in parts of Donegal and Deloitte and Touche have all tendered for the project.



PS This post was not written for comic purposes and is entirely fictional (in case anyone tries to sue my ass). It should also be noted that there is no intention to make little of the issues above. In Fact, Ah the opposite.


Published by Colm.  

Monday, October 17, 2005 

Where has Joe Bloggs gone?

Was Richard Delevan behind the now defunct Joe Bloggs column in the Sunday Tribune? Some are suggesting as much.

More to the point, are those of you who were critical of his column going to start arse-licking someone who is considered a doyen of the Irish blog scene?

What's more, will you stop buying the Tribune?


Published by Colm.  

Saturday, October 15, 2005 

Irish Blog Awards

A little slow on this one (like most of my entries), but Damien Mulley has suggested an inaugural (forget the Freedom Institute's one, doesn't count) Irish Blog awards thing (event or just virtual pats on the back?). Has a date been set yet? Otherwise, these things drag and sometimes never happen.

Some of my suggestions for categories:

a) Best Blog (obvious isn't it?)
b) Best Technology Blog
c) Best Politics Blog
d) Best Comedy Blog
e) Best Blog with Varied Content
f) Best Blog Design
g) Worst Blog
h) Best Podcast

POSTSCRIPT: Should have mentioned one or two more ...

i) Best Photoblog
j) Best Blog Entry


Published by Colm.  

Friday, October 14, 2005 

Cor blimey!

In Fact, Ah could become a bit quieter come the New Year. I've made the decision to up sticks and move to London.

Fish 'n' Taters


Published by Colm.  

Thursday, October 13, 2005 

After all that Ireland has done for you

"May you burn in hell. Is that the thanks after all that Ireland has done for you? We've clothed you, fed you."

The reaction last night from an Irish woman in her mid-30s to the sight of a business associate of mine wearing a Swiss scarf. She mistook him for a Nigerian immigrant. Yesterday was his first time setting foot in this country and he was only over from London for the day on a work trip.

Cue much laughter at her ignorance and misdirected racism.


Published by Colm.  

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 

Like stealing candy from a baby

For days I'd been telling people at work that my drains were clogged. Silly childish humour that was met with the kind of faces that said "that's not funny". Of course I meant that my drain at the back of the house was blocked. I'm sure Eddie Hobbs would have found it funny. It would be just like the kind of crass joke that he would have used on Rip Off Republic. The rip off that took place in my backyard could have been used as suitable material too.

Being a twenty-something means I've not had much experience in paying for household services. Super Drains made that point all the more real when they came round and charged €136 for five minutes work. They were all workman-like, huffing and puffing and really putting on a good show. But €136 for five minutes? Good job the landlord was paying. At that rate, if they manage to do 50 minutes work per day, they clear €1,360 per day. Yowser.

Of course, the previous generation wouldn't have been caught like that. They'd have had the a length of piping in there of a shot. Get a painter in? You must be joking. The notion of paying someone to stroke a brush against a wall for a few hundred euro would be have been scoffed at.

So Eddie, if you're reading, you've got some more material for your next series. You can call it "I'm Not Going to College 'cos I Can Earn a Grand a Day for Less than an Hour's Work Cleaning Drains". Has a certain ring to it, wouldn't you agree? Oooh, the bitterness.


Published by Colm.  

Monday, October 10, 2005 

Working class heroes

It is always uplifting to hear about the death of the CD single. As an inevitable consequence, it should mean that the more discerning ear will prevail and indicate its refusal to tolerate anymore the junk that is pop music. For decades the record industry has decided what got to number 1 in the charts. Music lovers were being told what they should be listening to and had no say in the matter. Top of the Pops made superstars to be adored by the masses. But in the future, there will be no Elvises or Beatles.

The incorporeal has replaced the physical, the MP3 has replaced the CD. Figures indicate that online sales of digital music double that of CD single sales. For the time-being, the broadband-equipped middle classes will now dictate what gets to number 1 and not Louis Walsh. Ripped audio criss-crosses the Internet at a phenomenal rate enabling listeners to discard music on a whim. Artists now really have to earn their crust. It's not good enough anymore to record an album with three hits and backfill with garbage.

When I was a kid, everyone knew what was number 1. Today, very few do. The MP3 has put paid to that. As the number of superstars diminishes, the number of working class music heroes increases. The sight of relatively popular artists selling their own merchandise after gigs has reinforced this view.

In Fact, Ah was lucky enough a while back to have enjoyed the company of Stars, an emerging band from Montreal. Asked whether or not the distribution of ripped music does them some damage, they replied that it actually helps raise their profile. They believed that were it not for this type of illegal music sharing in the first place, their Sugar Club gig would not nearly have been as well attended.

However, should the record companies get a hold of the digital music media like they did the mainstream media, the music landscape may revert to the superstar land of yore. Until then, keep on ripping.


Published by Colm.  

Thursday, October 06, 2005 

My physical deformity

What do Mark Wahlberg, Chandler Bing, Francisco Scaramanga (James Bond baddie), Krusty the Clown and I have in common? A rather embarrassing, but laughable, physical deformity. It's something I never paid attention to really. It's called a supernumery nipple, or in lay man's terms, a third nipple. So I am in the enviable position of being a potential nipple donor (it's on my donor card).

It's barely visible and not at all suitable for breastfeeding. And there will be no pictures of it here either.

But one interesting finding from my research on the Internet is that there are higher incidents of peptic ulcers in people with a superflous nipple. It is interesting because I've been a long-time sufferer of ulcers.

This leads me to question why we need doctors in the first place when you can look up the Web. The Internet doesn't cost €60 per visit (unless you're using wi-fi in Dublin Airport).

All is not lost however. The Internet comes up trumps again with this invaluable resource for us freaks. It's mission statement is "To help those people with additional nipples grow and function as productive members of society through knowledge, counseling, self-empowerment, and regular encouragement."

Find out more here.


Published by Colm.  

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 

Show Me Your ID

Intelligent Design sounds like a paraphrase some corporation might come out with to describe their latest IT strategy. But Intelligent Design is a relatively new field of science that claims to show through scientific fact that an “intelligent designer” is responsible for life as we know it here on earth. Proponents of this theory claim that the fundamental constants of nature are so precisely tuned that they could not have occurred without an intelligent designer. Of course billions of people around the world with faith in God may well agree with such a theory.

However advocates of ID claim that science, and evolution in particular, are incomplete and therefore Intelligent Design theory should be taught in modern classrooms as an appropriate part of a science curriculum. Just recently, George Bush indicated to reporters that he would be in favour of seeing ID taught in all public schools in America. Last week, eight families in Pennsylvania took action in court to prevent ID from being taught in biology classes. The families argue that this promotes the Bible's view of creation, violating the constitutional separation of church and state.


And here is where the argument begins. While evolution is only considered a theory, it is backed up with nearly a 150 years of scientific research and study and, as yet, nobody has come up with a conclusive counter argument. On the other hand, intelligent design theory has been around for barely a decade and most of the scientific arguments are based on mainly trying to find weaknesses in natural selection and evolutionary theories rather than provide positive evidence for their own position. Many eminent scientists have rightly questioned certain aspects of the evolutionary theory but ID thus far has not been subject to the same critique. Yet remarkably there is a serious possibility of it being added to the curriculum of public schools in America.

So, why is George Bush so interested in teaching ID to young Americans? Could it be that the religious right is pushing this agenda? Not surprisingly, backers and research financers of Intelligent Design are from fundamentalist Christian groups such as Templeton Foundation and the Discovery Institute and possess huge financial clout. If ID could be added to the science curriculum it would be the perfect way for the Christian right to push their religious ideology in a nation where state and church are deemed to be separated. In America, all public schools are supposed to be secular. Of course, you can send a child to a fee-paying Catholic, Muslim or Hindu School if you wish, but for the vast majority of Americans public schools are the only affordable option.

Perhaps it’s a cynical attitude, but this, like so many other of Bush’s policies, would appear to be a way of covertly influencing the next generation of Americans, thus reinforcing their beliefs for decades to come.


Pmc


Published by Colm.  

 

Request for XHTML help

As you can see by clicking on any 'Previous Post' in the side bar, it looks all funny in its own page. The sidebar wraps under the main content. This is a known issue with Blogger. Apparently it's called a float drop and the Blogger template itself isn't at fault.

Haven't a notion myself, but if someone knows how to correct this we sure would be grateful.


Published by Colm.  

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 

The Russian Futurists play Crawdaddy October 8th

Plenty of warning this time. There's one gig you should really get yourself to this weekend. And it's not even the headline band, it's the support act.

The Russian Futurists will warm up for Caribou (formerly Manitoba) this Saturday night (after the Ireland game) in Crawdaddy. Get your tickets at tickets.ie - an alternative to Ticket Bastards who charge all those "handling fees" and such like. Doors at 8.30pm.


Published by Colm.  

 

Infactah Upgrade

Well not really an upgrade, just a new banner. Its about time the graphic design team did some work.

PMc


Published by Colm.  

 

Meme me baby one more time

Silly meme thing again. I was asked to do this by Treasa at Winds and Breezes and Sinead at Sigla Magazine. This one goes something like ...

- Search your blog archive
- Find your 23rd post
- Find the fifth sentence - this is apparently meant to say something about you.
- Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions
- Tag five people to do the same

Trawling through the modest archive throws up this piece of polemic ...

"Armagh and Tyrone not being present probably had something to do with this."


Of course, this relates to my dislike for negative northern tactics employed by Armagh and Tyrone in the GAA football championship this year.

I wasn't going to pass it on but I changed my mind and the following can be considered lucky that they've a valuable link from In Fact, Ah.

The following five blogs were randomly picked from the first five entries I saw on Planet of the Blogs.

Living Irish
Hugh Green
Slugger
Ebby Brett
Dick et al at Back Seat Drivers


Published by Colm.  

Monday, October 03, 2005 

Railing against incompetence

One of the most jarring slogans to have been conceived has to be “We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there”. It’s an admission of guilt, an owning up to calamitous ineptitude.

While train journeys from Paris to Lyon (290 miles) take just over 2 hours, the journey from Dublin to Ennis can take up to 3.5 hours covering a distance of just 140 miles.
The train journey from Dublin to Sligo is now slower than it was 100 years ago.

These are just two indictments of the Irish rail system. It is all the more disastrous considering the fact that €2 billion was spent between 1999 and 2004 on improving the service.


While some may tolerate the laughable service, it is much easier to do while seated. Standing between two smelling toilets, while paying almost €50 for the privilege, dramatically reduces this tolerance.

Irish Rail continues their unbelievable denial of their uber-ineptness by allowing their staff to treat customers with contempt. While attempting to purchase a rail ticket with my out-of-date 16-26 card, the ticket vendor saw it an opportune moment to take the largest red scissors he could find and chop it to pieces without explanation.

Some other moments made the return journey equally memorable. After a particularly late night, I sought the refuge of a quiet carriage that would accommodate drool-sleeping. Upon passing a group of deaf and mute people, I spied my opportunity. Lovely sleep, nice comfortable sleep.

Some time later I heard what sounded like a girl being smothered or else a woman in the throes of heightened pleasure. That just-before-waking clouded reasoning left me to thinking that I’d left the DVD player on again and that I was at home asleep in front of the television. Instead, it turned out to be a mute girl in the seats behind me laughing hysterically at some signed one-liners.

After waking up from this disturbance, I noticed a female passenger in the seat next to me reading my paper. "No problem with that", I thought to myself. She appeared to be fixated by one particular article that was recommending facial creams. However, when she attempted to disembark with my paper tucked under her arm I decided to ask her for it back in voluminous tones so that she could be outed for the paper thief that she was in front of all the other passengers. Cue nervous apologies and seething eye movement on her part.

So there are only two requests that I make of Iarnrod Eireann: an efficient train service and the vetting of all passengers to root out Sunday paper thieves.


Published by Colm.  

The Biscuit Tin Series

Biscuit Tin 1 - Fig Rolls
Biscuit Tin 2 - Fox's Classic
Biscuit Tin 3 - ToffyPops
Biscuit Tin 4 - Custard Creams
Biscuit Tin 5 - Cadbury's Chocolate Shortcakes
Biscuit Tin 6 - Fox's Millionaire's Caramel
Biscuit Tin 7 - Biscuit Maintenance
Biscuit Tin 8 - McVitie's Chocolate Hobnobs
Biscuit Tin 9 - Oat Crumbles
Biscuit Tin 10 - Jammie Dodgers
Biscuit Tin 11 - Xmas Special


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