Due to popular demand...

Jacob's are a household name in Ireland. We all know about Fig Rolls, Kimberley Mikados and those useless Cream Crackers which only viewers of The Afternoon Show eat. Many of us were brought up on Jacob's biscuits which is probably a result of the "Buy Irish" campaigns of the 1980s and early 90s. Now, however, we don't really give a fuck where our biscuits come from as long as they are lavishly packaged and instill in us a feeling of regal splendour. So, in response to this Jacob's have come up with Oat Crumbles.

According to checkout.ie Oat Crumbles "are being received extremely well by consumers" and they can confirm that "they are indeed yummy". Yummy? Forgive me if I don't take the word of a bunch of marketing yuppies as gospel, I had to find out for myself. Oat Crumbles (OCs) come in two varieties; chocolate & raspberry and chocolate & pecan. Jacob's have to be commended for including raspberries and pecans, two ingredients sadly lacking in the biscuit market. Raspberries have always played second fiddle to the hegemonic strawberry and pecans have never featured due to the prevalence of inexpensive nuts like hazelnuts and peanuts. Aside from the ingredients, OCs are going to turn the biscuit world upside-down, both literally and figuratively. For you see, the chocolate is on the bottom, not the top. This truly is a biscuit revolution.

This paradigm shift in construction had me stumped for a while. I asked myself if I should dunk it. If I should set it down on the table on the chocolate side or the biscuit side. If I was even worthy to be eating this thing. I got over that though when I realised that if I just turned it over the chocolate would be in the traditional position. There are only 9 biscuits in a pack, which is a bit stingy. But they're big biscuits and you get that full, satisfied feeling after about 3. Costing just above €2 then makes them relatively good value for money. As with millionaire's caramel shortcakes, I simply haven't had enough packets of these yet to give you a realistic reading of their consistency.

For dunkability, they perform well. The tight oat construction holds everything together well and the chocolate mixes well with the biscuit. I haven't lost one to the bottom of a cup yet. And, believe me, there is nothing more scintillatingly titillating than chewing on a raspberry chunk drowned in tea and swimming around your mouth in a veritable orgy of chocolate and oat for the first time. Aside from all the positives, a biscuit review would not be a biscuit review without some criticism. Again, it's the marketing bullshit that lets the OCs down. According to Jacob Fruitfield's chief executive "The need for healthy products, convenient products, and highly indulgent products is growing rapidly". He goes on to claim that OCs embody a combination of indulgent and healthy. Let's be frank here, there's no such thing. If something looks like it'll make you fat, you better fuckin' believe it'll make you fat. If something looks healthy, you better believe it'll taste like wet cardboard. However, you'd expect such oxymoronic statements from people trying to sell you stuff.


Value for Money: 7.5

Dunkabaility: 8

Consistency: ?

Overall Verdict: 7.5

If it were a car it would be an: Alfa Romeo 159. Looks great and drives great but has marketing slogans like "Mediocrity is a Sin".

A novel biscuit incorporating uncommon biscuit ingredients but, for fuck's sake, cut out the bullshit and let the taste do the talking.


tags:[Oat Crumbles]

Published by El Commandant P.