Did you ever eat jam sandwiches when you were younger? I used to eat rhubarb jam sandwiches. They were shit. Just as Jammie Dodgers are shit. You simply can't put jam alone in the middle of a sandwich and try to pass it off as something delicious. Now, you can liven it up by adding cream. Conversely, you can add peanut butter, a phenomenon found solely in the US, and make your nation look even stupider.

Quite simply, Burton's biscuits have managed to take two of the most nefarious faux pas of biscuit baking; shoddy pastry; and gooey, artificial, coloured sugary crap, and fuse them. The result: a biscuit that appeals only to the kind of people that listen to Keane while flicking through an Ikea catalogue.

A Jammie Dodger won't fit into an espresso cup and dunking one ruins a good cup of tea. The pastry, due to it heavy reliance on sugar, doesn't melt well at all. As for the jam, the pastry inhibits any hot liquid access to it which is a shame because that fusion could prove interesting. In terms of value for money, Jammie Dodgers fare quite well. There are many special offers available and you will often see a double-pack on offer, similar to the Toffypop double-pack offers. However, seeing as how I've already proven beyond doubt that Dodgers are crap biscuits, why on earth would you want to buy a double-pack? (One reason I can think of is you could bring them to a Keane concert and throw them at the stage).

Again, Dodgers do fairly well in the consistency department. Then again, in saying this I'm saying that Burtons consistently churn out a shit biscuit. There's nothing to be proud of there. In fact, Burtons have nothing to be proud of with this creation. The nail in the coffin is the little heart in the middle of it. What the hell is that about?

Value for Money: 6.5

Dunkability: 0.5

Consistency: 9 (minus 8 for being consistently crap)

If it were a car it would be: Daewoo Matiz

Overall Verdict: 2
A biscuit for all of those who crave the artificiality and uniformity of the dismal Fordist era.

tags:[Jammie Dodgers]

Published by El Commandant P.