The sandwich-style biscuit is a modern classic. A simple concept that has proliferated throughout the biscuit market and given rise to that joyous practice: the lift and lick. Americans can bang on about twisting Oreos all they want, but we here in Western Europe have been at it since they were tearing up treaties and murdering natives. Many would consider Custard Creams more Irish than shamrocks or Garda corruption, but they'd be wrong. Custard Creams are synonymous with the British Empire and a further example of Ireland's unconscious ingestion and adoption of most exports emanating from perfidious Albion.

Don’t believe me? Take a closer look at the above picture. What do you see in the centre of the biscuit? Yes, a Union Jack. Every time you eat one of those biscuits it is the equivalent of taking the oath of allegiance to the Queen (I was going to make a joke connecting the licking of the biscuit and the Queen but I thought it would be in bad taste, both literally and figuratively). So don’t be fooled by the shamrock above the Bolands logo, Custard Creams are the worst incursion by the Brits onto our island since the plantations.

I’m going to sideline politics for now and see if I can give this biscuit an honest review regardless of its murderous, blood-stained history. Custard Creams consist of two slight biscuits with a cream centre. Sounds boring doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is. The biscuit element is quite a staid affair and seems to be unsure of itself; am I shortcake or not? The cream is uneventful and bears no resemblance to custard. This biscuit’s attraction lies in its ‘fidgetability’; you can mess with them for hours in numerous ways and still not get bored.

In terms of consistency, however, they are an absolute shambles. How many times have you had to endure an over-baked, virtually impenetrable Custard Cream? How many times have you had the cream all piled over to one side completely cutting off access to the other? How many times have you seen the biscuit facing the wrong way i.e. the design side where the flat side should be? Any biscuit that doesn’t know its north from its south has issues.

When it comes to dunkability the Custard Cream doesn’t fair much better either. The biscuit element seems incapable of retaining any liquid and the cream just ends up like an oil spill floating on top of your tea/coffee. In fact, Custard Creams are one of the few biscuits I wouldn’t bother dunking which is a black mark in anyone’s book. Price-wise, they are decent value and their generic nature means you could probably purchase a St. Bernard or KVI pack and not notice the difference (which in my opinion is a damning indictment of any biscuit).

Value for Money: 8/10

Dunkability: 3/10

Consistency: 3.5

If it were a car it would be a: Rover 45 (As boring as it is British)

Overall Verdict: 4.5/10
A pleasant biscuit to fidget with and good value for money, which makes it somewhat similar to a cheap prostitute. However, it’s dark colonial past, poor dunkability and sine wave-like consistency leave you feeling dirty after the act.


tags:[Custard Creams]

Published by El Commandant P.